Long Road Back To Me

Life could be like that sometimes…we live, we have our plans for living out, we build the walls of our future on the basement of our past, assuming our home will always be there…and sometimes shit just happens and our house is no longer covered by insurance…

For the last few months I couldn’t find the words to talk about what happened in my life…I guess, I simply have been in denial, holding on to the hope that it was just a bad dream and when awake, all will be as it always was…I’ve been hiding from the words for I felt that as soon as I say them aloud, they will become my reality. It took me a while to finally believe this IS my reality. My beloved husband of 23 years met someone else. He left yesterday to spend the Christmas break with other woman and when he returns, we are going to proceed with separation. Now I said it. It must be true.

Isn’t it ironic that we always get what we never asked for when we never prepared for it. I can easily imagine that grin of yours when you’re reading these words. Believe me “told you so” won’t help me to feel better right now. I’m not sure what can. We only can see things from the different angle when we shifted away from them – different perspective gives extra vision…

I cannot declare with pride that I’ve been strong, I have had humiliating moments and the moments of anger, and the moments of despair, the moments of blind determination to get through it and the moments when the tear-tap seemed like being broken…I’ve known a lot of people, friends who’s got through divorce, I watched them suffering, but only now I understand that suffering I saw were only small part of all the pain nurtured inside, hidden from the whole world. It wasn’t at all how I would expect it might be. And I wasn’t that Me I used to know, the Strong Me, the Composed Me, the Wise Me…I thought not once that no one can truly understand us unless they walked in our shoes. Being with people is still difficult. Festive season doesn’t help at all. Talking about what happenned makes me mute. Coming home is the most difficult part of a day…I cut myself off the world until I will be ready to face the truth. Blocked in the cage of my own demons and with a tiny breathing straw, which was the least kind but the most truthful, I managed to make it to here and now. And to me it feels like an achievement already.

We’ve been through a lot over these last months. We talked about us a lot, re-discovering what’s being lost over the years. We cried together and held each other at times when we had strength to do so. There was not a stone left unturned. Oddly we have become closer then we ever were in the last years. Yet he’s still leaving. And the grass is always greener. The irony of it – his other woman is an actress, a former model. In a weird way I’m almost glad that she is – at least I can say there was nothing wrong with me as a person, it was just him thinking with his balls. This doesn’t make me sad, only bitterly disappointed that I’ve trusted my man was special, when all he is – just another one of the male species…I don’t blame him for falling in love with someone else. But I’m finding it hard to deal with his betrayal of us. 23 years didn’t appear to him worthy even to try to make an effort to save…for me they were all I ever valued in my life.

There will be more thoughts and more of pulling off the old dusted covers from the hibernated house that used to be a home. For now I am simply glad I found strength to step out of my block of denial. It feels like I’ve lost few months of my life…I have been living it in limbo, just following routines…and now it is time to get up and get going – I have a long road to walk back to being me again…and I am going to take it slowly…one step at a time, one day at a time…