Ryan, suitably attired in black, declares that Idol has never found a winner in New York City. It's probably because no one cares about it in the Big Apple...but wait! Thousands of people auditioned this year! We aren't going to say how many thousands. We're just going to let you guess. And while we're at it, we're going to misspell guest judge Carole Bayer Sager's name by leaving off the "e" in her first name. That's what friends are for, after all.First up, we have Ian Benardo, our requisite stereotypically flaming gay (I say that with all due respect) who bombed out of So You Think You Can Dance. He's wearing a chinchilla stole because he's a superstar - you can even ask one of his two therapists! Naturally, he sings "Gloria," and just as naturally, he stinks. He gets escorted out by security when he demands to see Simon's working visa. Come to think of it, I'd like to see that, too. But this guy does have the best lines of the night. "I'm going to call National Geographic and tell them that the dodo bird is not extinct. He's in there." Followed by, "Hollywood is New Jersey with celebrities." Snort.
Sarah Burgess - She's 19, and she lied to her parents about being there, because apparently Daddy will stop paying for college if she auditions for Idol. What the what? And, uh...didn't we see a similar story to this in Minneapolis? Boo hoo, Dad never believes in me, I always hear how disappointed he is. Yep, we've seen it. And of course she cries during the audition. Fortunately, she has a semi-decent voice, and the back story is good enough for the judges to send her on to Hollywood. But then we have to be subjected to her and Ryan calling her father on her cell phone and lots more weeping as Daddy, who you know has been told that they're filming the whole sequence, tells her, "That's great!" Oh, cry me a river, and look for the BIG sympathy vote if she makes the top 24.
Now we mention that Constantine lives in New York. SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!
Ahem.
Forgettable Greek female auditionee follows and butchers Toto's "Africa."
Ashanti Johnson has gone to Hollywood twice and thinks that Idol is like A Tale of Two Cities ("it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" - get it? Huh, huh?). I'm hoping this segues to a beheading, but no such luck. She decides to sing "Loving You" with the extremely high squeaky part that makes dogs howl and is told that she's too old-fashioned this time around. Carole Bayer Sager suggests she try the Broadway route. And then we have the most rehearsed plea for a second chance I've ever seen on this show. "I've fought for this, I've gotten encouragement from you, I believe in the depths of my soul that you don't have the right to do this!" Next week, I'm sure she'll be appearing in an off-off-off-off Broadway production of Peter Pan. Shut. Up.
Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba are best friends from New Jersey. Sort of like Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton used to be, and just as shallow. So by Ian's rule (see above), they ought to fit into Hollywood just fine. Simon's lusting after them, telling Amanda, "God, I'll bet you're popular." Ugh. They both go through, although Antonella is marginally better than Amanda. When Antonella demurs, Simon gives her the helpful suggestion: "When someone's down on the floor, kick them." Well, yes, he ought to know.
Clifton Biddle plays harmonica and likes to make people scream. His version of ZZ Top's "Tush" accomplished that, as I ran screaming from the room.
We see glimspes of a few more rejects, including the annual falsetto guy.
Kia Thornton - The last singer of Day 1, she sings a decent but oversung version of Aretha Franklin's "Ain't No Way" and is told she had the best audition that day. Whatever.
Simon was apparently out late partying that night, because the next day they start without him. Oh, such a shame.
Jenry (pronounced "Henry") Bejarano is only 16, but with that chiseled face he looks like he's in his early 20s. His back story is that he was adopted into a Bolivian household and Mom pushed him to audition. Um...okay. He's very confident and has a nice voice but has absolutely no expression in his face. He's easy on Paula's eyes, though, so he's through to the next round.
Nakia Claiborne took her Tigger pills before she got there, because she's practically bouncing off the walls. Her first song, "Dancing in the Streets," is fun and energetic, but her second song is slow and totally unrecognizable. When the judges tell her no, the Tigger pills wear off and she goes through the most drastic mood swing we've seen so far as the bounce evaporates. "I'm done. You get tired of hearing no." Move on. PLEASE move on.
Sarah Goldberg comes in with a cowboy hat and boots and sends the judges crawling for cover. She knows she's tone deaf and not a singer, but she thinks that Idol can teach her how to sing, and wouldn't it be great to have a winner whom the show taught to sing? No, say I. No, say the judges. She goes outside and has a screamfest, and we learn from her the rumor that the judges were partying until 3 AM that morning. Hence Simon's late appearance at that moment.
Okay, why did they allow a 47-year-old to audition??? "New Yor, New Yor." [*bashes head against table*]
Jory Steinberg was born in Canada and got to meet all sorts of famous people before her parents moved to Santa Monica. Um, yes, and I should vote for you why? Oh, because you sing Tina Arena songs. Well, okay. You can go to Hollywood.
Porcelana Patino is the self-proclaimed American Idol soldier who has worked out at 5 AM every day for the past year to lose weight and sculpt her body. Has she been working out her vocal chords, though? Why, yes, she assures us, and she belts out a song in a tough alto voice while her arms look like they want to burst the bonds of the 100 bracelets that are pinching into them. She's given the okay to go on and has a group hug with everyone but Simon. Then she goes outside and has the most subdued "freaking out" session I've ever seen.
Ryan tries to inject some class into the show by quoting Shakespeare. As if.
Christopher Henry claims that his looks are compared to those of George Michael and Simon Cowell, and Simon naturally agrees that he's very good-looking. So then he decides to sing a Kelly Clarkson song in a close-to-falsetto voice, and I'm wondering how Simon would sound singing it. Heh. Simon then says that he should be singing in a dress and stilettos, and he and Randy drown out Paula when she tries to ramble on with something called "constructive criticism." The first cat fight of the season ends in a sputter. Next.
Rachel Zevita goes to school for opera (huh? What opera school? Like, Julliard, or what?) and thinks she'll get kicked out for auditioning for Idol. She sings Jeff Buckley's "Eternal Life," then Oleta Adams' "Get Here," then a classical piece. The judges claim they don't know what person she is, but "you're all coming to Hollywood."
Ryan's dancing in the hallway segues to a horrid "All Night Long" montage, where we see a guy dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. My night is now complete.
Christopher Richardson is our Elliot Yamin of the year. He's from Virginia, and he's singing a Donny Hathaway version of a song. Is he half-deaf and diabetic, too? No, but Randy thinks he looks and sounds a little like Justin Timberlake, so send him on to Hollywood, dawg!
Nicholas Pedro forgot the lyrics to "Buttercup" during the Hollywood rounds last year and bowed out. He's got a kind of sexy, breathy sound that gets Paula and Carole hot and bothered. If Paula loves him this much, you know he's doomed as a contestant, but we'll give him another chance, anyway.
And we end the day with Isadora Furman, a clairvoyant who thinks she's a rocker chick and has an orgasm singing "Lady Marmalade." Don't we all?
Either the shows are getting more watchable, or I've become accustomed to mediocrity. In any case, 35 contestants are going to Hollywood from New York. Next Tuesday we visit Birmingham, where Ruben, Bo, and Taylor were all found. Will the trend continue? Do you care? Tune in for a (thankfully) 1-hour show. I know all the House fans will be happy, at least. :-)
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