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1 Feb 2004 - PHOTOFRIDAY: EMPTINESS

1 Feb 2004 - My Mother, The Porn Star
There was three dreams last night and each led on from the other, which is an odd phenomonon considering that each dream is individual to itself and a random mess of thought that have passed through your life (and if you believe Jung, your anscestors lives [Greene]) therefore they should be a shamble of giant pink and orange spotted dinosaurs chasing down bug eyed aliens.
The first dream consisted of something pertinent to real life- I suffered from the desire to purchase a vibrator. I would do so here, if there was a sex shop, though this town is in a state of decline and offers no real shopping adventures (though I did buy a nice pair of shoes the other day- note: I did not say 'thongs').
However prior to my entry into the realm of the depraved I made a joke about being lucky that I would not discover any videos with my mothers image on the front, to which she blushed uncontrollably.
Furthermore I was not in least bothered by the fact that my mother had a sex life before she was married (the film was made in the 60's) rather that this somehow led to her having the ability to know when and what I purchased at any given time from a sex worker.
The subsequent dream began with myself and a few of my old friends, ones from various groups through my life (though they appeared as they do now), and I living it up in a beach side city. Scumby was pregnant.
I was on the hunt for a sex shop in a giant mall. You think that this would be easy, that they would have the name on the directory, but not so. They mall was considered a family place and therefore the store was hidden somewhere so discreetly that not even the many employees in the mall knew where it was.
After a while I opted for a call to an escort service. It was as though fate awarded me a gift in place of my inability to subject myself to pleasure by having the company I called offering a three for one deal on hookers. Three girls taking turns on me for $80. Though one of them was dressed in a wedding gown (a fantasy thing I assume) we quickly got that off after taking up residence in my room.
The third dream took up a month after where the second left off. I was ordering the prostitutes on a regular basis, though I opted for only one of the girls to come. We had somehow become friends over this period and often spent time together, however I thought that it would be disrespectful to sleep with her without paying considering that it was her profession.
Though one warm afternoon we were sitting at the beach with our friends trying to come up with a plan to rid ourselves of an Amelie style man (the stalker that is) when she began to seduce me. I informed her that I had no money on me and therefore could not take advantage of the act when she insisted that now, and forever after, it would be free. Yet, this was to be the last time because we were settling down with other people, who we really did love. This was one final fling.
After our love making on the beach we, and one other of the group, decided to go for a ride to the store, which involved riding down a long dark road lined with pine trees, and something was ominous. The roads were not very well lined nor maintained and at one intersection both the driver that hit my bike (I suceeded in alighting in time) and I had right of way.
I got up, got back on my bike, and that was the end of the dream.
I really need a vibrator.

1 Feb 2004 - Dominatrix v. Submissive
I just finished watching that film Secretary featuring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. A little information on myself would be in order first so as to give an accurate position of where I am coming from.
I have had sex, that is obvious being that I am single mother of one beautiful daughter. I have had a lot of sex, though on most occasions it was due to alcohol induced perversion. There have been very few occasions on which I have been sober and this is, I suppose, a bad thing. However if it were not for alcohol the chances are I would never have sex.
I lost my virginity at the age of 17 (and by pure, astonishing coincidence the song Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon was playing on the radio!) and what followed was 4 years of promiscuity. I would not change it because if I did I would not have ended up with the beautiful daughter that I have now.
The point is that I have not had sex for over two and a half years. While speaking to Juliet the other day she wondered how it was that I could deal with this situation. Was I not going crazy. I don't think she understood when I explained that there has been times when I have wanted sex, and times when I have not. For the past 2 1/2 years I the only times that I have wanted to copulate was when under the influence of extreme doses of scotch. And the last time that I was absolutly plastered and was offered sex, I turned it down. Just the knowledge that someone wanted me was enough.
I don't want to have sex. I find it beastial and it bothers me that it seems to be such an important part of every day life. Therefore I found it hard to understand, and repulsed by the idea, that someone would live their everyday life in a dom/sub relationship, every moment of their life dedicated to sex.
Which brings me back to the film. Lee (Gyllenhaal) is a masochist and after being released from a mental hospital she goes to work with a strange lawyer. Soon enough it turns into spanking and betraying and the likes. But it wasn't that. Not to give anything away, but what the film really seemed to set out to portray is that dom/sub relationships are not all about sex. It is a part of everything. Just because they like to spank occasionally doesn't mean that the power is purely sexual.
I understood it. In fact when she is cuffed (right at the beginning of the show) I found her strangely appealing. If I were ever to form a relationship (which is highly unlikely and I will explain at a later date) I would not want to be subdued to this every day of my life, I personally couldn't handle it, though it would be fun for a certain period of time.
It's not for me, but I finally understand if that is how it really is, if people stopped talking about being dominated sexually all the time.
Now, there are 2 choices for me. Either I hate sex, which it really seems to be, or I am a lesbian. That is a possibility. Perhaps I will explore this when I move. Or maybe not because I just don't care for sex.
Maybe I should have sex for the hell of it and see if my mind changes. Perhaps.

Daily Photos
Energy
Wrenchman


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